Godly Conflicts

I have often heard the example of the "Marriage Triangle" used when referring to the relationship that a husband and a wife are to have with each other. They are to be focused on getting each other closer to God and as they bring each other closer to God they will be brought closer together. I think this same rule applies to the relationship that parents are to have with their children especially when dealing with differences or conflicts. If the focus of the conflict is to bring each other closer to God it will result in a Child-Parent relationship that is closer as well.

If the focus of the parent or child is simply to win the conflict and not resolve the issue, nothing has been achieved except a personal victory for the "champion" of the argument. It's a very selfish way to view a conflict if your first thoughts are "I must win this argument!!". It doesn't result in forgiveness or a resolution to the problem. There is also a difference between forgiving a person and simply forgetting what the person who hurt you did. Resolving a conflict is crucial to the growth of relationships. It establishes trust and relationships are based on trust. Therefore, conflicts can either build or break down a relationship. If you never seek forgiveness this will result in the break down of trust and finally a weaker relationship with that person. Attempting to gain forgiveness for the wrong you committed shows that you genuinely care about the person you hurt and thus results in a stronger relationship with a stronger level of trust present.

If you think you can simply move on and act as though the fight never happened you are living in a dream world. Ignoring the issue shows that you don't care about the other person involved. It shows that you don't care why the other person was upset. You were only concerned with winning the argument so you could undergo a self esteem boost. I have heard the phrase, "If I am just really nice to the other person they will forget about the fight", or maybe you have heard this one used "Being really nice to the person is the same as being forgiven." False. Being really nice to the person without seeking forgiveness is a slap in the face. The message that is received is that you don't care about the argument that took place, my hurt feelings, or (going back to what I said originally) our mutual relationship with God maturing. Therefore, it hurts more when a person simply acts like nothing has happened as opposed to them seeking forgiveness.


It was a shock to me when I had a healthy conflict with someone because I am not used to having issues resolved. I actually didn't know what to say when it was occurring because 1. I wasn't being yelled at 2. It was obvious that although the conflict had occurred the person obviously cared about me and 3. They were focused on resolving the issue so that our relationship might continue and trust could continue to be built. I can't even begin to explain how much this encounter changed my view of conflicts. It was like an epiphany that I could have a conflict with someone and it could be healthy for both of us. I had more respect for the person I had gotten into a conflict with than I did before it had happened. I didn't even know that was possible. I was actually at a loss for words when I found the person genuinely apologizing and attempting to make amends for what it was they had said that had hurt my feelings. I probably looked like an idiot sitting with my mouth open not even responding to what they were saying. I honestly didn't know what to say in response because I had come to the person prepared to defend myself against all attacks. I was expecting raised voices, unreasonable comments, and no resolution to the problem. I might advise against this now that I have experienced a healthy conflict. Life Lesson: Don't go into arguments with prepared attacks. To summarize this conflict I experienced; I have such a new respect for this person after this conflict that whenever they say something to me now or offer their opinion on something, I know that they are genuinely concerned about me.