Monday, October 25, 2010
Church-How much is too much?
I recently had the opportunity to visit a church nearby to my college. At one point in the service the pastor made the announcement that they had successfully raised approximately $8 million for a church to be planted on a new campus. Everyone clapped of course and it was a joyous moment. I, however just found myself annoyed at the church. The reason for my annoyance was the fact that we are in a recession, people are jobless, homeless, there are countries dying from diseases and here we are creating an $8 million worship center for ourselves. What happened to the verses that spoke of giving up all we had to the poor. According to a few sources, there are over 300 verses in the Bible referring to giving to the poor or caring for the poor. For example Luke 12:33 says, "Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves purses which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near, nor moth destroys." I feel as though the church is missing the major point of this scripture.
We need to begin applying verses more practically. Supporting the poor does not mean only praying for them. It means showing them God's love in radical ways that they can relate to. We should be using the church's money to support jobless, homeless, fatherless, missionaries, vets returning home, those that can't afford college, unhealthy senior citizens, families who are in the process of having their homes foreclosed on, and organizations like Teen Challenge and CareNet. The list could go on and on. Americans have become engrossed in a cushioned, comfortable version of Christianity that causes us to become dead in our faith.
Church has become a place with awesome lights, a warm tingly feeling during worship, perhaps yell a few Amen's during the service and you have successfully convinced yourself that you are a Christian. We need to begin stepping out of our comfort zone and allowing God to show his love through us in radical ways that people can really relate to. I believe the way we utilize the money that God has given us is an extremely powerful way to do this. I don't mean to rant or bash the church. I realize that all churches are not as I described so I don't mean to insult anyone who belongs to a church that is really living out the challenge God gave us to care for the poor.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Discipline or Abuse?
I was asked the question today whether it’s okay for a parent to "beat" their kid. I had to somewhat filter the question into a more reasonably worded one, but I am still stumped for the answer to the question. Is it okay for a parent to use physical methods to discipline their child? At what point does "disciplining" become physical abuse? I believe the very simple answer to this question is: When the parent can no longer maintain control over their own temper it crosses over from disciplining to being abuse. At this point the action of either spanking or hitting the child as a means of punishment stops being discipline, but merely a way to lose ones temper at the child. This will ruin the point of disciplining a child. The point of punishment should be to show that you are concerned with an unhealthy or sinful behavior that the child must change. Most importantly the child needs to know that you care about them. The fact that you care about them is lost if you are simply losing your temper at them. It is foolishness to say you are “disciplining” a child if you are simply acting out of rage. For example if a parent loses their temper and begins to hit, push, or punch their child, and then says “You need to be disciplined!” this parent has crossed over from being a parent to being viewed as a fool by the child. It shows the child that the parent has no control over themselves let alone the situation involving the child. It works against the parent. The more the parent loses their temper, the less the child cares about what the parent has to say and at this point the parent has lost all control of the situation.
If the parent cannot control their temper why should the child? After all who is the leader and who is the follower in the house? If the parent is continually losing their temper should they really expect anything less than the child? If a parent is having trouble with an especially angry child they should first realistically examine their own temper and the way that they have been handling their own anger. An important key in this step is to surround ourselves with truthful friends. What I mean by "truthful friends" are friends that are not afraid to lovingly challenge unhealthy or sinful behavior in order that our relationship with God might mature. If you find yourself surrounded by friends who never challenge you, chances are they aren’t your friends. They are more like colleagues who enjoy flattering you or boosting your own self esteem. Having honest friends around you will also involve having the ability to openly talk about your own problems with other people. Yes this is uncomfortable. Growth is usually uncomfortable. Sorry. The presence or absence of real friends can be extremely detrimental or beneficial to keeping parents accountable.
If parents are accountable only to themselves this can lead to a world of problems. When has it ever been healthy for people to be left accountable only to themselves? Children are accountable to their parents, employees to employers, countries to leaders, the church to God. We see accountability everywhere. If left alone people will naturally allow themselves to sin more often than they would if they had to answer to someone. The bottom line is this: Parents must be kept accountable to someone outside of their marriage. If they are only accountable to each other this could lead to problems. It leads to a bubble effect. You have no outside, objective perspective on your home. It’s always beneficial to see things from a new perspective; it brings things to light that you may have never seen or noticed. Yes it’s fun to live in a world where you are always right, but where is that realistic? Pandora? Narnia? I don’t know…..some kind of dream world most likely.
Sometimes parents don’t realize their means of disciplining isn’t normal
because they only live in the bubble of their daily life. They need to be able to step outside of this environment and view it from another's seat. It's like that TV show that shows alcoholics how they act when they are drunk. When the alcoholics see how they act when they are drunk it is a huge shock and they are embarrassed at their actions. I wish I could do this with some families to wake them up, but I realize I cannot. Being outside of a family allows you to take step back now and make the statement "No those aren't healthy or normal interactions" , but how do you burst their bubble of normality? Do you rain on their parade? Break the news that what they are doing is not right or normal? I think it’s the duty of true friends to make the statement sometimes that what other parents doing is wrong.
I realize this post has jumped around a lot in the ideas I’ve presented. Welcome to my mind. It’s a jumbled world of thoughts that are only organized when I write them down in an orderly fashion so that others may read, comment, disagree or agree with, or simply enjoy reading for the purpose of personal entertainment. Going back to the main question of this post, I think it is okay for a parent to use physical methods of punishment- to a limit. The purpose of the punishment must not be to inflict pain or be an outlet of a parent’s lost temper. The purpose of it should be to cause the child to see that the parent is concerned with the child’s behavior because they love them and care if they are behaving in an unhealthy manner. If physical punishment doesn’t cause the child to see their wrong behavior it should be stopped immediately. I also think it should be used only when the child is really young. If it is continued for many years the child will begin to grow bitter or used to a spanking as a means of punishment. The mindset will become “Well if I’m only going to get spanked……” and they will do whatever they know is wrong knowing that all they are getting as a consequence for their actions is a spanking. Physical punishment should also only be used as a last resort. If no other form of punishment works it can be used to discipline the child. I realize I’m not a parent so I don’t pretend to state that all I’ve said is correct, or the only way to parent a child it’s just my personal views on the issue. I’m sure others disagree with me and vice versa, disagreement is healthy though. It’s what makes every human unique from another human. There are a few ideas that are not debatable though, such as the idea that physical punishment should never be used when the parent is losing their temper. That’s simply a given. Also the idea that parents should be kept accountable to people outside of their family. There’s no way around the idea that people need to be kept accountable to each other. As always, I hope this post has caused you to think, formulate your own ideas about things, and maybe just cause you to be entertained for about fifteen minutes of your daily life.
Godly Conflicts
I have often heard the example of the "Marriage Triangle" used when referring to the relationship that a husband and a wife are to have with each other. They are to be focused on getting each other closer to God and as they bring each other closer to God they will be brought closer together. I think this same rule applies to the relationship that parents are to have with their children especially when dealing with differences or conflicts. If the focus of the conflict is to bring each other closer to God it will result in a Child-Parent relationship that is closer as well.
If the focus of the parent or child is simply to win the conflict and not resolve the issue, nothing has been achieved except a personal victory for the "champion" of the argument. It's a very selfish way to view a conflict if your first thoughts are "I must win this argument!!". It doesn't result in forgiveness or a resolution to the problem. There is also a difference between forgiving a person and simply forgetting what the person who hurt you did. Resolving a conflict is crucial to the growth of relationships. It establishes trust and relationships are based on trust. Therefore, conflicts can either build or break down a relationship. If you never seek forgiveness this will result in the break down of trust and finally a weaker relationship with that person. Attempting to gain forgiveness for the wrong you committed shows that you genuinely care about the person you hurt and thus results in a stronger relationship with a stronger level of trust present.
If you think you can simply move on and act as though the fight never happened you are living in a dream world. Ignoring the issue shows that you don't care about the other person involved. It shows that you don't care why the other person was upset. You were only concerned with winning the argument so you could undergo a self esteem boost. I have heard the phrase, "If I am just really nice to the other person they will forget about the fight", or maybe you have heard this one used "Being really nice to the person is the same as being forgiven." False. Being really nice to the person without seeking forgiveness is a slap in the face. The message that is received is that you don't care about the argument that took place, my hurt feelings, or (going back to what I said originally) our mutual relationship with God maturing. Therefore, it hurts more when a person simply acts like nothing has happened as opposed to them seeking forgiveness.
It was a shock to me when I had a healthy conflict with someone because I am not used to having issues resolved. I actually didn't know what to say when it was occurring because 1. I wasn't being yelled at 2. It was obvious that although the conflict had occurred the person obviously cared about me and 3. They were focused on resolving the issue so that our relationship might continue and trust could continue to be built. I can't even begin to explain how much this encounter changed my view of conflicts. It was like an epiphany that I could have a conflict with someone and it could be healthy for both of us. I had more respect for the person I had gotten into a conflict with than I did before it had happened. I didn't even know that was possible. I was actually at a loss for words when I found the person genuinely apologizing and attempting to make amends for what it was they had said that had hurt my feelings. I probably looked like an idiot sitting with my mouth open not even responding to what they were saying. I honestly didn't know what to say in response because I had come to the person prepared to defend myself against all attacks. I was expecting raised voices, unreasonable comments, and no resolution to the problem. I might advise against this now that I have experienced a healthy conflict. Life Lesson: Don't go into arguments with prepared attacks. To summarize this conflict I experienced; I have such a new respect for this person after this conflict that whenever they say something to me now or offer their opinion on something, I know that they are genuinely concerned about me.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Lack of Male Leadership?
Being at college has exposed me to a number of new experiences, people, etc. To sum up; my life is different than it was and my manner of viewing the world has begun to change as I am forming new opinions on things independent of my parents' influences. After I settled into college I started attending a small group Bible study in order to stay connected with people that can be real with me in my faith. I have begun to notice there are very few male Bible study leaders. I also began to notice though that there is a lack of male leadership in other areas of the college. For instance the leader of our church service is a female college student, the praise band is all females with the exception of one male, and the chaplain of the college is a female. I am not really sexist, but there is something different about being taught by a female compared to being taught by a male. It's impossible for a female to relate to some of the struggles that a male experiences and vice versa. I will admit that I as a male can't fully relate to all that women struggle with. For instance wouldn't it strike you as odd if a woman went to a guy asking for encouragement in her pregnancy? There's just kind of a sex barrier there that doesn't allow men to connect with women on some subjects and vice versa. For instance I, being a male, would never go to a woman to speak to her about temptations with my girlfriend I would go to a male because they can most realistically relate to this problem.
I think the healthiest solution to their being too many female leaders would be to have both a male and a female leader so the entire population of church goers would feel as though they have a leader they can go to with their own personal struggles.
I just feel as though men in America need to step up and begin leading the church. Women are beginning to take on more roles in the church and this is a great thing to celebrate, but that doesn't mean men can simply back out now and allow women to run everything. It should be an equal, mutual leadership so that all Christians feel as though they have someone they can relate to and be encouraged in their faith with. So I salute the rising of female leaders in the church, but at the same time am ashamed of my own gender for failing to step up and take leadership roles in the church.
I think the healthiest solution to their being too many female leaders would be to have both a male and a female leader so the entire population of church goers would feel as though they have a leader they can go to with their own personal struggles.
I just feel as though men in America need to step up and begin leading the church. Women are beginning to take on more roles in the church and this is a great thing to celebrate, but that doesn't mean men can simply back out now and allow women to run everything. It should be an equal, mutual leadership so that all Christians feel as though they have someone they can relate to and be encouraged in their faith with. So I salute the rising of female leaders in the church, but at the same time am ashamed of my own gender for failing to step up and take leadership roles in the church.
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