I'm reading the book "Boy Meets Girl" by Josh Harris. It's basically a book about Christian views on courtship, or dating with the purpose of marriage in mind. I had the epiphany a little while ago that I will be 20 years old this year. For some this may not seem like a big deal but it occurred to me that people usually get married in their twenties. (Disclaimer: The photo doesn't depict my views of marriage). This doesn't mean I'm destined to get married in my twenties or even get married at all if God's plan is for me to end up single for the rest of my life. As I'm reading the book I've come across a few passages that I personally found very useful. I thought that by sharing some thoughts from the book on here I could possibly retain them better than if I simply highlighted them or underlined cool quotes from it. I tend to retain information better if I copy it down in a notebook or vent my thoughts on here. The one chapter on communication was the most useful so far, I believe. As a guy I tend to not necessarily communicate emotions or thoughts that come to my mind as easily as some girls I know do. I'm not saying girls are wrong in the way they communicate, I'm just saying it's a gender difference. I think the majority of girls tend to be better at communicating in general when compared to men. Josh Harris mentions 10 tips for communication that can help to solve a conflict peacefully when a couple encounters one and he offers scripture to back each of the ideas up. I don't think this only applies to married folks.They are as follows
1. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9)
2. Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. Don't use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument. (Proverbs 15:1)
3. Don't exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoid extreme words like "never" and "always" (Ephesians 4:25)
4. Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate; stay away from generalities.
5. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn't the goal- you want to get things resolved (Romans 12:17-21)
6. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling, and needing. Try to detect his or her underlying concerns (James 1:9)
7. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them in a sin (Ephesians 4:26)
8. Don't hesitate to acknowledge your own failure, and be quick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don't hold a grudge. (Luke 17:3-4)
9. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure you both understand clearly what the other person is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14:19).
10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons.
All 10 tips are from pages 102-103
I'm currently reading Proverbs and James and one thing I really have come to admire specifically about James is that he tends to write things as they are; he doesn't butter the truth up. He simply says it as it is. In Chapter 3 verses 17 & 18 he says "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." I guess the hardest struggle for me is what happens if I encounter a person who has no desire to make peace? A fool who, as Proverbs 18:2 says, "takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion". I think Jesus expects us to "be the peacemakers" as Matthew 5:9 says.
I think tip #2 was the most useful for me personally. I think so often we get so angry at what the other person has done to us that we forget the commandment that Jesus calls the 2nd greatest commandment EVER. In Matthew 22:36 Jesus says, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And (yes Jesus can start sentences with "and") a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. One these two commandments depend all the Law and the prophets." If they are so closely tied I really believe could be summarized to say "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind by loving your neighbor as yourself". We cant compartmentalize our lives and keep our relationship with God section in our brain separate from how we interact and talk with people. Its like when James says in Chapter 2 verses 14-26 that faith without works is dead. If you don't show God's love in the way you love your neighbor, you have a dead faith, Friend. You are furthering God's kingdom no more than a rock or a tree does. I think the two commandments that Jesus gave us are the hardest to follow when in a conflict, and I think this is when we are expected to apply them the most. This means continuing to "love our neighbor" even when we are upset. I also have found little support in the Bible for yelling at a person who has wronged you. While yelling may be useful getting one's feelings out on the table quickly and it also may get the argument over quickly where does it say anywhere in the Bible to do anything quickly? Doesn't the entire Bible encourage patience more than anything else. Who of us would trust a surgeon who said, "Well if I just dive in there we can get this over with quickly!"? No. People are like internal organs. Only upon careful dissection and patient investigating can you then understand them. Now if someone can point out a verse that says "Blessed is the man who expresses his feelings quickly no matter how disrespectful to his neighbor." I would be very prone to change my views on how to handle conflicts and possibly consider rethinking my entire view on the Gospels, but sadly I have no knowledge of such a verse. I have read however that a man who "has a hasty temper exalts folly" (Proverbs 14:29)and I believe yelling when angry falls in the category of "exalting folly" and not exactly being the peacemaker. Just some thoughts after reading Proverbs, James, and a book by Josh Harris. More to follow.
